TODAY IS NOT THE DAY!!!
A lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.
I DO HEREBY DECLARE, DEVISE, ANNOUNCE, or OTHERWISE MAKE KNOWN the FOLLOWING:
Now ain’t the time, and today is not the day!
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not experiencing a bad hair day: I’m bald. I didn’t wake up on the wrong side of my bed, either. Frankly, I haven’t figured out how this statement works out in real life. But I digress… I’m not upset, I’m not angry, I simply don’t wanna hear any pity part redux, okay? We’ve been on this journey together for a long time and I can’t manage it anymore. Now ain’t the time, and today is not the day to tell me about it, whatever it is. I’m not feelin’ it!
I respect your right to live your life as you see fit, okay? So….spare me the details of how Snookie and Pookie messed up Big Momma’s birthday party with a spectacular display of histrionics which put previous spats to shame. You already know what to expect when they’re in close proximity to one another. Everyone connected should have been prepared – what went down wasn’t anything new. And since I’ve heard it all before, if you really feel the need to express yourself, find somebody else, you know, somebody who wants to hear about it because: now ain’t the time, and today is not the day.
I’ve heard enough about how your grown-ass kids, all living under your roof, are driving new cars but ain’t nobody getting’ up off no rent money. They eat your hard-earned groceries; run up your light bill, and please, don’t mention water usage. You’re in a snit because they have the nerve to complain about you not doin’ their laundry! Don’t none of ‘em do any house cleaning, cooking, don’t none of ‘em empty the trash, or rake the leaves, but they all got laptops and tablets they use on your Internet. They all have cell phones but no one has offered to put you on her, or his plan, much less buy you a new device. Puh-leeze!!!
Since you’d rather cry on my shoulder, an’ truth be told, my shoulder is feelin’ the weight, I’ll make you a deal. I will personally let each one of your kids know how you feel. I’ll tell them to get out of your house and find their own lodging. And I’ll deliver the message in such an award-winning fashion, you know, like the Oscars, the Emmy’s, the Golden Globes, Grammy’s, or…or the Tony’s… there won’t be any questions about where you stand, or what’s going through your mind.
Mind you, there’s a fee for my services, which must be paid up front and…there will be consequences: far-reaching and wide-ranging, long term, perhaps even permanent, I cannot say. However, your message will be delivered and it will yield results – that much I can guarantee. Once the deed is done, let me be perfectly clear: you do not have my permission to discuss the outcome, with me, anyway, period, end of story! It will be a done deal. Dig this, I’ve listened to your litany of complaints about these children you bore long enough. Instead of telling them how you feel, you keep tellin’ me an’ I’m not feelin’ you. Now ain’t the time, and today is not the day!
To be honest – a phrase I hate – today is not the day to tell me how crappy your weekend was. It isn’t my fault you agreed to do something you didn’t really want to do, and, surprise, surprise, it turned out badly. Sorry! It’s time to grow a spine and learn how to use a well-known, brilliantly concise, and marvelously effective, guilt-free word: NO. Now is not the time and today is not the day to tell me how much you hate your job, the one you say you want to quit, but won’t because…now is not the time and today is not the day to complain about your supervisor or the co-worker who has done nothing to earn your disdain except occupy a shared space.
Now ain’t the time, and today is not the day to moan about how broke you are. And today is definitely not the day to ask me for another payday loan. Do I look like an ATM to you? I mean seriously, where’s the $50 I loaned you a couple months ago, or the $25 before that, and oh, let’s not forget the emergency hundred bucks – I fell for your hard luck story, but it ain’t gonna happen again. And then there are all those lunches you couldn’t spring for ‘cause you only had a couple bucks in your wallet. I suspect you never carry more than two dollars when you’re hangin’ out with others…I’m jus’ sayin’…
Look, I’m not keeping records, but today is not the day to bum dough off of me. Read my lips: “I ain’t got none.” Since you never ask me if I can afford to help you out – evidently you think it’s my Christian duty to be of assistance – I got news for ya: now is not the time and today ain’t the day!!! I don’t expect you to repay me, I consider those loans as gifts, however, I’ve seen the error of my ways and turned over a new leaf, so if you’re looking for a handout, find someone new to sponge off of. Today is not the day, don’t ask. Don’t even think about asking!
Now ain’t the time, and today is not the day to cry on my shoulder about your crazy sibling, vengeful ex, mean mother-in-law, or your unreliable, two-timin’ boo. You’ve always known your brother, or sister, is two cards short of a full deck, so what’s the big deal? The former spouse is an ex for a reason, remember? As for your outlaws, oops, I meant in-laws, according to your long-running soap opera, they’ve never liked you, never thought you were good enough for their child, or believed you’d fit in with their family, so once again I ask, what’s the problem? And chile please, that poor excuse for a man, or woman??? Look, when things are going well between the two of you, you know…like when he, or she, hits that sweet spot an’ the shit is so damn good you wanna holla from the rooftops – you know? That’s all you can talk about…An’ somehow you think err’body else wants to know…hello!!!
I am not an advice columnist – no, seriously, I’m not! I have my opinions, don’t ev’rybody? Sometimes I think I know what I’d do if I was in your shoes…sometimes… but, you been bitchin’ ‘bout this stuff for so long, pardon my French, I simply don’t wanna hear about it anymore. I don’t have the answers, not that you’d necessarily be lookin’ for them, know what I mean? No matter how vexatious the situations, I don’t see you makin’ any changes so whatever is goin’ on, keep it to yourself, after all it’s your business. Now ain’t the time and today is not the day.
Do me a favor, okay? Quit talkin’ about all the things you say you want to do, like lose weight, stop smokin’, go back to school, get a better job, start your own business, or write that damn book. You’ve run from every opportunity like it’s the plague or somethin’ worse. And your list of excuses is so banal, I mean really. You can’t get it together ‘cause (a) you don’t have time; (b) you don’t have the support of your spouse, partner, significant other, or whoever else counts; (c) you’ve tried and failed before; (d) you can’t afford it…yada…yada…yada…I sympathize with you, really, I do. You’ve made it abundantly clear: the desires of your heart are best left where they can’t be fulfilled. Life is safer when you live on the periphery. Okay, I get it, so here’s the deal: now ain’t the time and today is not the day to vent on my shoulder. Now is not the time and today is not the day to try draggin’ me through your guilt trip. I can’t go there with you.
Life is tough – I get it. You’re doing the very best you can with what you’ve got, but hey, don’t we all? I’m jus’ sayin… You want the world to know, and accept your excuses. Fine! Go right ahead, belt out them blues. May I just say: a lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part. There was a time when I didn’t mind listening. I thought I was bein’ helpful, or at least sympathetic. I didn’t mind dispensing my advice, as though I had the answers. Sweetie, let me tell ya… I’ve reached a place in my life where all I can handle is what’s on my plate. Sometimes I don’t manage as well as I’d like, quiet as it’s kept. I do the best I can; and again, my best sometimes leaves a great deal to be desired, you dig?
I’ve reached my TMI saturation point and there’s no going back. I’d love to say this isn’t personal: don’t you just love the cliché? If it ain’t personal, though, then what the hell is it? Most of my relationships are personal, even if there’s a business aspect to them. So, yeah, it is personal. Listen sugar, instead of the customary three words of comfort: Whiskey-Tango-Foxtrot, although they’re a good fit, I got ten other words for ya. Count ‘em! Now ain’t the time, and today is not the day! Tell you what, though, let’s move on…